Who we spend our time with has a huge impact on who we are. You may be familiar with a quote from motivational speaker, Jim Rohn: you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. While this isn’t a perfect metaphor for self-identity, the power our relationships have in our lives can’t be overstated. The people we surround ourselves with can challenge or influence our ideals, beliefs, self-esteem, empathy, attitude, and more. Yet friendships, much like our own personal identity, are constantly evolving, and as time goes on it’s normal to notice shifts in dynamics as you and those close to you diverge on different paths. What happens when loved ones aren’t filling your cup like they used to, or when their attitude begins to bring you down? There are healthy solutions to keep yourself on a positive path forward while still allowing space for the relationships that matter to you.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO TAKE STOCK OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?

Taking stock of your relationships means intentionally looking at the people that have the most impact on your life, and the positive and negative impact they have on your life. This isn’t about shrinking people down to a pros and cons list, but rather acknowledging your needs, and asking yourself what you need more of in your life. Maybe you have a good friend who you’ve known for years, but whose negative attitude can sometimes bring you to a low place and leave you feeling unmotivated. Taking stock of that relationship doesn’t mean you shouldn’t spend time with them anymore, but simply that you’re aware of the effect they can sometimes have on you and can supplement that with more positive interactions elsewhere.

WHERE DO I BEGIN?

        To start, there is the practical task of taking stock of your relationships. This means observing, taking into account all aspects of your relationships and how they leave you feeling. Remember that everyone you care about can hold a place in your life, but it can be so beneficial to spend more time with those who uplift you and help you the most rather than those who drain you. A great metaphor I like to use comparing this task to how I work with clients on their weight loss goals. The key to becoming healthier isn’t just focusing on avoiding unhealthy foods and treats, but to increase and focus on healthy foods that give you energy and nourishes your body. It’s about learning your body’s needs and practicing moderation and mindfulness. In the same way, taking stock of your relationships isn’t about cutting off a family member or friend simply because they don’t fuel your ambition or have different views than you. Everyone can have a place in your life. This exercise is really about making sure that you have people in your life who do lift you up and are supportive of the most authentic parts of you. Rely on your intuition to give you the answers you need.

FILLING YOUR CUP

So how do you go about finding people who fill your cup and leave you feeling joyful, refreshed, or motivated?  The answer is different for everyone, but there are some great places to start. You could begin to search for others who share the same hobby or passion as you, maybe through work or a local organization. If you’re looking for more guidance, or want to be led to others on a similar path, you could try mentorship or coaching, either generally or in your specific profession. Both of these solutions are great ways to create relationships formed around the idea of helping one another. Another great way to fill your cup is to reach out to friends or family who you feel already uplift you, and be intentional about spending time with them. Who shows up for you when you need them most? Who loves you unconditionally? Who can you count on? Who lights you up? So often we accidentally neglect wonderful relationships simply because we’re busy, but intentionally investing in them is so worth it. Make the phone call, plan the reunion, show up and make an effort for those who matter to you. Don’t let those friendships drift away and set yourself up for regret. It’s never too late to care more for those who care for you.

Despite all of this, it should be said that there are some situations when a relationship is better left to the past. If during the process of taking stock of your relationships you realized that you were being treated very poorly, or in a situation where there are no positives, it can be better to let that friendship go.  We cannot carry on with everyone we’ve ever met, and we shouldn’t feel like we have to. Some people are meant for certain seasons of our lives, and we can respectfully move forward grateful for the good times we had with them, yet understanding that time is now up. Find peace in knowing that while we learn and grow our relationships naturally change and everything meant for you will not leave you.

Our lives are ultimately up to us, and we deserve to spend time with people who make us happy to be alive. No one is perfect, and therefore no relationship is going to be perfect, but taking into account your needs can be a great way to seek out those who bring out the best in us and set healthy boundaries to continue loving those who matter most.

‍