When you’re someone who is always accommodating, you’ll often be referred to as a people-pleaser. This means essentially you’re willing to do what you can within your means to help make other people’s lives easier or more efficient. The darker side of this, however, is that oftentimes you’ll ignore your comfort level and boundaries to help others.

While it isn’t wrong to want to help out and do your part, it is important to understand where the line is. Without boundaries, in place, we will often put ourselves into situations that stretch us to thin, make us uncomfortable, or cause other detriments to our mental health and wellbeing. It can be difficult to prioritize yourself but knowing when to say no and how can make it a lot easier.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

Boundaries help identify us as a singular person and help to keep us from losing ourselves and our singularity. This doesn’t mean you have to always be alone or think of yourself first, but it does mean that there will be times you need to take a step back and do what is best for you. It can be scary to set those limits when you’re used to being accommodating, but poor or no boundaries at all can harm us and the people close to us more than setting them in the first place.

Boundaries keep us from experiencing the emotional turmoil that can come as a response to our comfort zone being breeched. Some of the emotional responses that boundaries can protect us from are things like:

• Stress
• Anger
• Resentment
• Anxiety
• Loss of individuality
• Feelings of Burnout

These feelings manifest if you start to feel out of control. If you’re constantly having to compromise your happiness to accommodate others you may start to resent them, your job or position, or even lose sight of who you are as an individual. Having healthy but firm boundaries can aid in minimizing these reactions.

Acknowledging the need for a healthy boundary and setting one are two very different things. It is easier to talk about what needs to change than actually changing it. It may take a little bit of time and some trial and error, but eventually, you’ll be able to identify and hold to what lines you don’t want yourself and others to cross.

So how do you start setting these boundaries?

Step One: Identify

The first step in setting healthy boundaries for yourself is to identify where those boundaries might need to be set. These limits could be needed in multiple areas of your life or just one or two. Identifying the problem and how you can prevent it from getting out of control is the most important step to having a happier and healthier life.

Start by making a list of the instances in your life that you think could benefit from boundary setting. Having them written out helps to identify the areas of your life that need improvement, not to mention how you can start connecting the similar problems that can be handled with the same boundary.

Step Two: Start Small

Handling them all at once can be a bit overwhelming, so start small. Set little boundaries first like leaving work when you’re scheduled to and focusing a little more on self-care. Then you can start setting bigger ones as you get more adjusted to saying no.

If that family member or friend keeps pressuring you to give them money or to have you do things for them, set a boundary. You can be supportive to them by giving them other options and resources, as well as emotional support, but do not bend yourself over backward.

Step Three: Evaluate

The boundaries you set, in the beginning, may not always work to minimize emotional distress. There will be people or situations that continue to steamroll over our comfort zones and if your boundary isn’t holding in these instances, you’ll need to evaluate them. You may need to set a firmer boundary, or even possibly remove yourself or the individual from the situation entirely.

Setting firm boundaries with toxic people doesn’t make you a bad person. Your mental health and wellness come first, so if your first warning with the boundary didn’t minimize the problem you may be forced to take more drastic measures.

It can be scary putting yourself first, but in the long run, it will help lower your stress and help you feel more at peace.

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